Father’s Heart: Sustain Your Soul While Caring for Others

When Dad’s Tank is Empty

Picture this: It’s 2 AM. Your baby’s crying again. Your partner’s exhausted. The bills are piling up. Work’s demanding more hours. And somewhere in the fog of sleepless nights and endless responsibilities, you realize you haven’t felt like yourself in months. You’re not alone. One in ten fathers will experience depression or anxiety during pregnancy or the first year following pregnancy. That’s not weakness. That’s real life hitting real men.

The statistics tell a story that too many dads know by heart. Depression and anxiety are twice as common in expecting and new fathers as compared with global estimates in men. The peak isn’t even right after birth. The peak onset of depression in fathers is 3-6 months following the birth of a baby. Right when you thought you’d figured things out, your mind starts playing tricks on you.

The Science Behind Dad’s Struggle

Dr. Sheehan Fisher, an associate professor in psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Northwestern University, points to something crucial: “The importance of a father’s mental health hasn’t always been emphasized by researchers or society in general”. But here’s what the research shows us now.

A groundbreaking 23-year longitudinal study revealed something striking. Fathers living in the home were found to have increasingly heightened depressive symptoms during the first 5 years postpartum compared to the years preceding fatherhood. Let that sink in. The very act of being present and engaged with your children – the thing society expects from modern dads – can actually increase your risk of depression.

Recent French research tracking nearly 6,300 fathers found three distinct patterns: Low stable (90.3%), Low risk with high temporary increase (5.6%), and Consistent high risk (4.1%). What’s alarming? Participants’ mental health appeared to worsen from two-years prior to their child’s arrival and improve from two-years after. That’s a four-year vulnerability window.

The research shows this isn’t just about “baby blues.” Levels of self-declared anxiety (averaging 4.9% pre-fatherhood, 7.8% post) exceeded that of depression (1.9% pre-fatherhood, 3.3% post). However, when researchers looked at clinical symptom scores rather than self-reported data, rates of clinically significant symptom scores (17–27%) were consistently higher. Translation: Way more dads are struggling than are willing to admit it.

Dr. Kate Gawlik from Ohio State College of Nursing puts it plainly: “The mental health and behaviors of the child are very intertwined with those of the parent”. Your mental health isn’t just about you. It ripples through your entire family system.

Why Men Suffer in Silence

Here’s the brutal truth: The stigma of experiencing emotional and mental difficulties in early parenthood is even higher for men than for women. Society expects you to be the rock. The provider. The strong one. But what happens when the rock starts cracking?

Research from the UK shows fathers feeling caught in an impossible bind. Fathers may feel reluctant and unable to express their support needs or seek help and question the legitimacy of their experiences; an issue that can be compounded by prioritizing their partner’s needs and feeling excluded by services which they perceive to be under-resourced.

Men experiencing anxiety or depression are more likely than women to cite physical symptoms such as changes in appetite or sleep, fatigue, headaches, psychomotor changes (e.g. restlessness, increased heartbeat, muscle tension, pacing). You might not feel “depressed” in the traditional sense, but your body’s screaming that something’s wrong.

The healthcare system doesn’t help. The nomenclature (i.e. “maternal-child health care system”) and common practice (e.g. lack of acknowledgement of father during perinatal visits and delivery) in the health care system supports a culture that fathers should not be involved in their child’s health. Even when you try to engage, you’re treated as an afterthought.

Biblical Perspective: God’s Heart for Struggling Fathers

Scripture doesn’t shy away from the reality of human struggle, including the challenges of fatherhood. Even in ancient times, God recognized that carrying the weight of caring for others could overwhelm a man.

Consider Moses, who became so burned out leading God’s people that he cried out: “I cannot carry all these people by myself; the burden is too heavy for me” (Numbers 11:14). God’s response wasn’t to shame Moses for weakness but to provide help and relief.

The Bible offers profound wisdom for struggling fathers. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). This isn’t just spiritual metaphor – it’s practical truth. God designed us with limitations, and acknowledging them isn’t failure.

Scripture also speaks directly to fathers about managing their emotional state: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Colossians 3:21). Implicit in this command is the understanding that fathers must manage their own emotional well-being to avoid harming their children through frustration or anger.

Perhaps most powerfully, “But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint” (Isaiah 40:31). This promise acknowledges that strength can be depleted and offers a divine source of renewal. Seeking help – whether spiritual, medical, or both – isn’t abandoning faith; it’s exercising wisdom.

The Ripple Effect

Here’s what makes this urgent: your mental health affects everyone you love. Research consistently shows that their children face increased risk of adverse emotional and behavioral outcomes, independent of maternal mental health. But here’s the flip side: fathers can be protective against the development of maternal perinatal mental health problems and their effects on child outcomes.

When you take care of your mental health, you’re not being selfish. You’re being strategic. You’re protecting your family.

Take Action: Five Strategies That Actually Work

baby children boys family father

1. Name It to Tame It

Stop calling it “stress” when it’s depression. Stop calling it “tiredness” when it’s anxiety. Gendered perspectives on mental health and help-seeking were indicated in several papers; including in relation to stigma and needing to be “the strong…person,” with mental health difficulties seen as a sign of weakness or vulnerability, threatening masculinity.

Challenge that thinking. Strength isn’t pretending problems don’t exist. Strength is facing them head-on.

2. Find Your Brotherhood

BIPOC men also tend to be stigmatized in various parts of their life, including fatherhood. For example, Black fathers are stereotyped as uninvolved parents despite being the most involved fathers across racial categories. Whether you’re dealing with cultural stigma or just feeling isolated, find other dads who get it.

Join a dad’s group. Start one if you have to. Text that buddy who became a father around the same time. The research shows isolation makes everything worse.

3. Track Your Patterns

Start noticing when you feel worst. Is it Sunday nights? After long work days? During growth spurts when the baby’s extra fussy? Patterns help you prepare and develop coping strategies.

4. Reframe Your Role

You’re not just a provider or protector. You’re a full human being with emotional needs. Research indicates that such resources might usefully be aligned with fathers’ family-oriented masculine ideals, emphasizing the value of men’s self-care with reference to their role as protector.

Taking care of yourself IS protecting your family.

5. Get Professional Help When Needed

Risk factors associated with worsening mental health trajectories were unemployment, not living with one’s partner, having had adverse childhood experiences and foregoing healthcare due to financial reasons. Don’t let finances or pride keep you from getting help.

Many employers offer Employee Assistance Programs with free counseling sessions. Community mental health centers provide sliding scale fees. Online therapy platforms offer affordable options. The investment in your mental health pays dividends for decades.

Try This Today

Right now, before you close this article, do one thing:

Send a text to one person in your life – whether it’s your partner, a friend, or a family member – and tell them how you’re really doing. Not “fine” or “busy.” Really doing.

It might look like:

“Hey, feeling overwhelmed with work and the baby lately. Could use someone to talk to.”
“Been struggling with sleep and stress. You got time for coffee this week?”
“Fatherhood’s been harder than I expected. How did you handle the adjustment?”

The research is clear: connection is medicine. One text could be the first step toward feeling like yourself again.

The Path Forward

Fatherhood changes you. There’s no going back to who you were before. But that doesn’t mean you have to lose yourself in the process. Your mental health matters – not just for you, but for everyone depending on you.

Remember: asking for help isn’t giving up. It’s growing up. It’s showing your children what healthy masculinity actually looks like. It’s modeling that real strength includes vulnerability, that real men take care of themselves so they can take care of others.

Tomorrow, we’ll explore “Means Restriction: Reducing Access During Crisis” – practical strategies for creating safety nets when mental health struggles intensify.

🤝 You’re not alone in this journey

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Dale

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