Build Support That Last: Long-term Relationship Strategies

Here’s the test: It’s 3 AM. Something’s gone wrong. Your mind’s racing. Your heart’s pounding. Who do you call? For too many men, the honest answer is “nobody” or “maybe my wife.” Recent research reveals a sobering truth: one in five American men and one in three British men lack close friendships entirely. Two-thirds of young American men say “no one really knows me.” That’s not just loneliness. That’s a crisis hiding in plain sight.

The numbers tell a story that cuts deep. Only 27% of men in 2021 said they had at least six close friends, compared to 55% in 1990. We’re losing our brotherhood. And it’s costing us more than we realize.

The Science of Connection

Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologist at New York University who has spent over 30 years studying male friendship, puts it bluntly: “Friendships are coded as not masculine; certainly emotions are coded as not masculine. So if you’re not supposed to be emotional that means you’re not going to be able to find the intimacy.”

But here’s what the research shows us: higher levels of social support are negatively correlated with loneliness (r = -0.39) according to a meta-analysis of 177 studies involving over 113,000 people. Translation: good relationships are medicine for the soul.

The connection runs deeper than we thought. Adults who say they have a limited local support network are about twice as likely as those with stronger support networks to report frequent feelings of loneliness as well as fair or poor mental and physical health. About one in four adults (24%) with just a few or no family or friends nearby report fair or poor mental health compared to about one in ten (11%) adults with substantial local support.

Dr. Angelica Puzio Ferrara, a postdoctoral fellow at Stanford’s Clayman Institute, studied men across the US and UK and found something striking. As one 34-year-old British man named Blake told her: “You know, we are all trying to be alpha men, so to be vulnerable and be close to people is hard. Because of the world we’re in, I feel emotionally repressed and stunted. I can’t even get in touch truly with my own feelings.”

The research reveals four distinct types of male friendships: non-active, closed active, open active, and expressive. Even within expressive friendships, there was still limitation to the amount of sharing allowed. The social construction of masculinity doesn’t just shape how we act – it shapes how we connect.

The Hidden Cost of Going Solo

Here’s the brutal truth about male isolation: it’s not just about feeling lonely. Lack of social connection increases risk for heart disease, stroke, Type 2 diabetes, depression, anxiety, suicidality, and earlier death. About 1 in 3 adults in the U.S. report feeling lonely. About 1 in 4 U.S. adults report not having social and emotional support.

Research shows that men’s support groups offer something powerful. As one participant shared: “It’s made me feel less isolated because there are other people who are experiencing the same or very similar to you.” For older and single participants especially, being part of a group provided routine, ritual, and contact that acted as a buffer against distress and disconnection.

The data shows men valued the sense of contributing rather than being clients. They found purpose, trusted environment, value of peers, and the opportunity to become experts in their own recovery.

Why Men Struggle to Connect

Developmental psychologist Dr. Way’s research shows that boys start with remarkable emotional intelligence. “Children have remarkable social and emotional skills – to listen to each other, to read each other’s emotions, empathy, all sorts of lovely things,” she explains. But then, like clockwork, in late adolescence, boys go underground emotionally. “You get the ‘I don’t care anymore.’ Or, ‘No homo,’ as if I’ve been asking a question about their sexuality rather than about their friendships.”

The problem isn’t biological. It’s cultural. Society tells men to be stoic, suppress feelings, and be aggressive. But having a full range of emotions is exactly what deep friendships require. As one 17-year-old put it in research by Christopher Reigeluth and Michael Addis: “I was just, like, depressed all the time. And my friend called me ‘a depressed little bitch’… When he said that to me, I learned to hide how I was feeling.”

Modern factors make it worse. Remote work means fewer natural friendship opportunities. Digital communication hinders the deeper conversations men already struggle with. Men who might already be less inclined to share emotions find digital platforms inadequate for expressing feelings authentically.

Biblical Foundation: The Brotherhood God Designed

Scripture doesn’t shy away from the importance of male friendship and brotherhood. In fact, it celebrates it. “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (Proverbs 27:17). This isn’t just poetry – it’s practical truth about how men grow stronger together.

The Bible gives us the ultimate example of male friendship in David and Jonathan. Despite Jonathan being the son of King Saul, who was actively trying to kill David, Jonathan chose loyalty to his friend over family politics and personal ambition. Scripture says “Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself” (1 Samuel 18:1). Their friendship was closer than brotherhood.

God designed men for connection. “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). The wisdom here is profound: isolation makes us vulnerable, but partnership makes us stronger.

Even more striking, Jesus redefined relationships with his disciples: “I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). The Son of God chose friendship as the model for deep relationship.

Scripture also gives practical guidance: “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13). Every lasting friendship will face conflicts. The key is choosing grace over grudges.

The Path to Lasting Brotherhood

Research from men’s support groups reveals what actually works. The key isn’t just finding guys to hang out with – it’s creating contexts where authentic connection can happen safely.

Building Your Network: Five Research-Based Strategies

1. Start Side-by-Side, Not Face-to-Face

Research shows men connect better through shared activities. Fred Rabinowitz, a psychologist who runs men’s therapy groups, notes that men break ice through doing things together. Find activities that provide face-to-face, or at least side-by-side, connection that fosters camaraderie. This could be:

Joining a gym and finding workout partners
Volunteering for causes you care about
Taking up hobbies that require teamwork (woodworking, hiking groups, sports leagues)

2. Practice “Emotional Reciprocity”

Dr. Way’s research shows the No. 1 thing that helps children grow up to have enriching friendships is being close with an adult relative who wasn’t afraid to express emotions. As adults, we need to model this. If you want deeper friendships, you have to pay the price: reveal more about yourself. As one expert put it: “If you want more openness in a friendship, the best thing to do is to be more open yourself. Don’t wait.”

3. Find Your Tribe Through Purpose

The research on men’s support groups shows men valued contributing rather than just receiving help. Look for communities where you can:

Mentor younger men
Serve in leadership roles
Share expertise and skills
Work toward common goals bigger than yourself

Organizations like the Mankind Project create safe spaces for men to be real without shame.

4. Master the “Gradual Reveal”

Research shows men often struggle with intimacy because they’ve been taught vulnerability equals weakness. But studies reveal that men idealize self-disclosure as one of the most important components of intimacy. Start small:

Share something you’re learning or struggling with
Ask for advice on decisions you’re facing
Admit when you don’t know something
Acknowledge when you’re having a hard time

5. Create Consistent Contact

Research from men’s friendship studies shows routine and ritual are crucial. Men who maintained lasting friendships created regular touch points:

Weekly coffee meetings
Monthly activities (golf, hiking, etc.)
Quarterly deeper check-ins
Annual traditions (camping trips, concerts, etc.)

The key is consistency over intensity. Small, regular connections build stronger bonds than sporadic deep conversations.

Try This Today

Before you close this article, do one thing that research shows actually works:

Send a text to one man in your life asking him to do something specific. Not “we should hang out sometime” but “Want to grab coffee Thursday after work?” or “I’m going hiking Saturday morning – you in?”

Research shows men respond better to concrete invitations than vague suggestions. The specificity removes ambiguity and makes it easier to say yes.

If you don’t have that guy yet, pick an activity you enjoy and find a group doing it. The friendship will grow from shared experience.

The Brotherhood You Were Meant For

Building lasting support networks isn’t about collecting contacts or networking for career advancement. It’s about creating the brotherhood you were designed for – relationships that make you stronger, wiser, and more resilient.

Research consistently shows that men with strong social connections live longer, handle stress better, and experience greater life satisfaction. But more than that, they become better men – better partners, fathers, and leaders.

The path isn’t always easy, especially when culture tells us to go it alone. But the reward is worth the risk. True brotherhood isn’t just someone to call at 2 AM when things go wrong. It’s someone who helps ensure fewer things go wrong in the first place.

Tomorrow, we’ll explore “Your Personal Mental Health Manifesto: Creating a Life Philosophy” – the foundation for building a life that attracts and sustains meaningful relationships.

🤝 You’re not alone in this journey

Resources

Dale

See Full Bio