The roots of this story trace back to December 2018. I want to share with you how the principles in the blog post “Supporting a Friend in Crisis: A Man’s Guide” ultimately sustained me and saved my life.
On October 31st, 2023 I was feeling off waking up at 4:00 am feeling achy and numbness in my arms. I went in the bathroom and looked in the mirror and did all the tests for a stroke. I passed, so I just chalked it up to stress from the ongoing assault from my former spouse trying to fulfill her goal for me, forcing the sale of my home and me living under a bridge in my car. Later that morning during a team standup Zoom call, when it was my turn to give an update my words were coming out slurred and incoherent. I was having a stroke.
The call ended and I drove myself to the hospital. You are probably thinking why did you do that? Well, I will tell you what I told the hospital staff, it was faster than walking. When one of my oldest son’s found out what I did he told my son your dad is a real bad ass! I told him later no, I was a dumb ass.
If you are experiencing a stroke, call 911 immediately. Although I dislike ambulances, they will ensure you get to the hospital safely. By God’s grace and protection, I was able to avoid harming anyone while driving to the hospital.
If you are experiencing a stroke, call 911 immediately.
Life Support
I texted three people while I was in the Emergency Room. Those three text messages netted me 25 visitors over the next two days. All but four of them were men that I had met since the beginning of the four plus year war with my former spouse.
This did not happen by accident. It took commitment, nurturing connections, being vulnerable, listening to understand, and time. I was involved with three different groups of men. I had been part of a local chapter of the Samson Society for sixteen years, a cross-denominational group of men that met Saturday mornings at a local tavern (they serve a great breakfast), and a new church that I had been part of for less than two years that takes care of their members.
Commitment
Commitment takes time and all three of these groups met weekly. Commitment is the ministry of presence and persistent. Showing up consistently builds connections. Give permission to your brothers to call you any time day or night. I leave my ringer on so I can hear it at night. And yes I have received calls at 3:00 am.
Nurturing Connections
Jesus had a web of connections. He had his inner circle of 3 and then the 12 disciples and hundreds of other followers. I didn’t realize how extensive my web had become until I had my stroke. God used me to bring different men together that their common ground was they knew me. It was truly a blessing to see the cross-pollinating that happened those two day in the hospital.
Being Vulnerable
You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to make a difference in a man’s mental health journey. By simply sharing the weight through authentic friendship you may be saving your brother’s life. When you are open and create a judgment-free space, you give permission for honest conversations that can break through isolation and emotional barriers.
The more you share your heart the deeper the connection and the easier it is to reach out when you are in need. And don’t be afraid to check in with one of your brothers that is struggling. One of the men that I am closest to called me late in the evening to hear me crying when I answered the phone. He didn’t try to fix me or even ask questions. He just started reading scripture and did so for over an hour until I finally pulled myself together.
To the women that might be reading this: If a man is ever vulnerable with you and tells you his deepest darkest secrets and you file it away in your little black book of gotchas to use later to put him down or win an argument he will never, ever open up to you again. The best you will get when ask how he is doing will be “I’m fine.”
Listening to Understand
Listening with empathy and not just wanting to fix your brother’s problems is important. The better you are connected the more you can recognize non-verbal signals, change in behavior patterns, and withdrawal. Humor can be a cover. Some of the funniest men had the biggest struggles. Robin Williams for example and Charlie Chaplin talked of how laughter can emerge from pain.
Time
Everyone is busy. The three groups that I have connection with men who care about me takes maybe six hours a week. I can almost guarantee that you waste more time than that every week on things that are not important. Peter Leithart wrote a post ten years ago The World’s Most Interesting Man. I know the time suck on young men is far greater now than the two hours daily in 2015.
In reality a 10 minute bi-weekly phone call, an every other day text message to each of your closest six brothers and a bi-weekly get together is less than 3 hours per week. Why did I pick the number 6? We all need pallbearers.
Time to Get Real
The men I refer to here saw me through an open heart surgery to repair mitral valve in October 2019, complications that required a second procedure on my heart in April 2020 during the COVID panic, a four plus year divorce that made Johnny Depp’s divorce look like a junior high breakup and the stroke in October 2023.
As much as I wanted the pain to stop I never thought of punching my own ticket. Why not?
- I had brothers checking on me regularly and I didn’t want to let them down.
- Even in the depths of my despair they continued to tell me how much I was blessing them with my faith and steadfastness.
- My children still needed me.
- It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
- And most importantly, the place where you draw closer to the Lord Jesus Christ is in the valley, no matter how deep it goes (Deuteronomy 31:8). He is refining not punishing you (Isaiah 48:10). He is preparing you for His work here on earth and our final destination (Philippians 1:6).
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